Wednesday, July 26, 2006

"A Likeable Idiot"

I've often thought there was room for

a) a blog wholly specialising in 'early release' crime stories - like this latest one.

b) a blog specialising in the crap spun by defence solicitors - the sort of thing you'll see in your local paper each week.

"Fred Bloggs, defending, said that since his release from an eight-year sentence for manslaughter, his client had made a determined effort to go straight, with only two convictions over a five-year period. Tragically the death of his grandmother, ongoing relationship difficulties, and his struggles with addiction had left him vulnerable to irrational outbursts of violence, for which no help had been made available by social workers or the local health authorities.

"My client is deeply ashamed of the offences for which he appears before you today", he told the judge. "In asking for a non-custodial sentence I must ask you to bear in mind the following :"

"His new partner is expecting their child in only three months - he is determined to play his full role as a father in bringing up his child. To deprive the child of a father's influence and love will help neither the child nor my client. In fact I am convinced that his inability, through a combination of previous incarceration and what he would argue to be his unjust inclusion on the Sex Offenders Register, to be a father to any of his other four children, is a contributory factor in his appearance before you today"

"My client has the firm promise of a job with a reputable local employer, Big Dave's Security Services. Regular employment of this nature will take him away from his old associates and habits"

"My client has been offered places on no less than three local rehabilitation schemes - "Bitch My Smack Up", the pioneering scheme run by the University of Taunton Dene (formerly the Devon Cyder Company) which treats addiction with the revolutionary new 'dominatrix therapy', "Better Parenting" run by the National Childbirth Trust, and the CALM anger management course. If he is imprisoned, he will be unable to benefit from this treatment."

"In concluding", said Bloggs "my client wishes to express his regret and remorse towards the victims and their families, and to make plain that he was totally unaware, not only that the girls were so young, but that he was HIV positive".

I think we've found the archetype in Swindon solicitor Rob Ross.

Manderson has nearly 200 previous convictions, mainly for motoring matters.

About eight years ago he ran over a 12-year-old cyclist as he drove a robbery getaway car.

Outside court his lawyer Rob Ross said: "Jamie is a likeable idiot, really. Jamie suffers from a very serious addiction to cars. He just can't leave them alone.

"During the 1980s he used to steal cars to order and he made a lot of money.

"Then, a few years ago, he got addicted to heroin, but it's the cars he's really hooked on. He just doesn't understand the words 'don't drive'."

See him in action defending Mad Jackie.

She had sought help from Kingshill House for her drug and alcohol problems, got herself onto a programme and got herself permanent accommodation.

"I have to say the difference in her is almost unbelievable," said Mr Ross.

How to turn racially aggravated common assault into 'a bit of drunken horseplay'.

The poor chap who 'slipped back into heroin use'.

Defending the legendary Swindon 'Crying Boy', a chap who specialises in approaching kindly-looking souls with a tearful tale of being beaten up and needing a tenner for the train fare home.

"Defending Rose, Rob Ross denied that the perfume had been taken to fund a drug habit saying it was intended as a present for Rose's girlfriend."

More smackheads. Mr Ross thinks heroin should be legalised.

Defending, Rob Ross, said that Jonas was now receiving medication to help him tackle his drug addiction.

Magistrates ordered him to do a community order with an 18-month supervision order and to attend the Think First programme.

Had £26,000 nicked ?

Rob Ross, defending, said: "It is every parent's worst nightmare to find out something like this has happened.

Not the parent of the victim, of course. The parent of the perpetrator.

Mr Ross added: "He does things to bring the law down on him because he feels worthless. He resorts to criminality to almost punish himself."

Well, yes. Perhaps the guy who was burgled was a victim too. And what do you mean, 'feels' worthless ?

Prosecuting, Colin Meeke, said Fitchett was seen in the Marsland Road home when the occupant was away.

Police called in to find Fitchett hiding in the loft and saw the premises had been searched.

Mr Meeke said: "When interviewed Mr Fitchett said he had argued with his girlfriend, taken some tablets and woken up in a police cell."

Mr Meeke added Fitchett was grabbed by police again when the Fiat he was travelling in crashed in Marlborough High Street packed with electrical goods from a burgled home in Back Lane. The court heard Fitchett also gave police a false name when they investigated him for driving while disqualified without insurance. Defending, Rob Ross described Fitchett as someone who had an intermittent drug problem, who had stopped drug taking of his own volition but had lapsed when he formed a new relationship.

Mr Ross described how his client had clearly been under the influence of drugs when he targeted the Swindon home because when Fitchett was taken into police custody he decided to take all his clothes off.

I'll stop there. Mr Ross is just one of many.


Anonymous said...

Well Laban, you're doing a pretty good job of (a) yourself.

As for (b), you can't really blame defence lawyers for doing their job, although it's very funny to read. But the real culprits are the judges who swallow this stuff.

Anonymous said...

Like this you mean ?

Anonymous said...

Hmm, yes - I'd certainly have to agree in the case of Manderson that, though Ross is obviously a 'good lawyer' (i.e, a totally amoral slimeball) the justice system itself bears a lot of culpability too, for constantly issuing judgements that they knew from past experience would do no good whatsoever.

I suspect if anyone did set up such a blog as you suggest, they would not lack for material..........

Anonymous said...

Yes Rick - exactly like that......

Martin said...


Say what you like, if I'm ever in trouble in Swindon I now know who to call.

Anonymous said...

Another cry for help!,a bullet in the back of the head would solve the problem.