BBC Bias Part 397

It didn't take BBC News long to come to terms with the Bush victory. The theme of coverage will be 'Divided America'.

The Mad Cowboy will still make appearances, though. Listen to James Naughtie (RealAudio) interviewing Robin Cook and Ian Duncan Smith on yesterday's Today programme. Near the end Naughtie gives it away when he says 'us' before correcting himself.

And, Robin Cook, what about those who say - President Bush now, he's got four years, doesn't have to worry about opinion in the United States, he's there, presidents do some - er - can do things in the final four years - without what - having to worry about the next election - is he going to do things that will truly scare us, like maybe - scare some people - like maybe taking on Iran directly ?



You may remember how, under the Clinton administration, the opposition were presented, especially during Monicagate, as bitter zealots who couldn't come to terms with not winning the election.

Under Bush, the bitter zealots who can't come to terms with not winning the election will be the 'divided nation' to whom GWB has failed to 'reach out'.

You can also expect Christians to get even more stick. The BBC can't understand why American Christians aren't like the Church Of England, social workers in frocks who worry about debt, Fairtrade chocolate, the oppression of gay clergy and sustainable development initiatives proactively reaching out to the broad sections of the community on a multidisciplinary basis, while the Ten Commandments are broken daily on an industrial scale and the CofE's churches grow greyer and emptier.

Whereas in America Christians actually believe all that 'thou shalt not' nonsense.

Rasputin last year pointed out a truth about Muslim believers.

Williams believes westerners find it difficult to grasp that for a Muslim, being religious is not something that is done in addition to everything else: “It just is the fabric. For the Muslim everything is seen through that lens.”

Christians who took such an attitude would be roundly condemned as bigots by the CofE, of course. That kind of faith is for them, not for us.

For the BBC's view of American Christians, here's the BBC's favourite historian Simon Schama (RealAudio), also on the Today programme. His theme - 'Divided America'.

"Despite the kind of - er, shallow rhetoric of 'Bring America Together' - nobody really seems to (laughs) quite believe it, actually; the truism about two Americas seems to be deeper and more bitter than ever - it's a reality; I mean there is a cultural civil war going on, it's no good to pretend there isn't - and it's to do with those who essentially are guided by faith, from the President down, the President insisting that God tells him what (laughs) to do and when to do it - I shouldn't be quite so facetious but it's very important to him, and to millions of Americans - this is something often quite hard in a laid-back secular world like Britain, to really understand ...'

You have to imagine what the reaction would be if a BBC commentator found a Muslim leader's faith amusing enough to laugh on air while describing it. He'd be out of the studio before you could say 'Islamophobia'.

UPDATE - Schama continues the attack in today's Grauniad.

"You want moral values? So do we, but let them come from the street, not the pulpit. And if a fresh beginning must be made - and it must - let it not begin with a healing, but with a fight."

You can find moral values on the street all right - from 'On les aura !' and 'a la lanterne !' to Kristallnacht and any number of intercommunal riots. Strange place to look for them though - unless you're looking for a fight. I'll back religious rednecks against secular liberals any day. But perhaps he doesn't really mean it.

It's not over till it's over ...

And all the votes have been counted. But wouldn't it be deliciously ironic if

"It's The Guardian Wot Won It" ?

BBC, Lies and "Tolerance"

Another Dutch citizen is killed for asking the wrong questions about the Dutch multicultural experiment. His colleague has been under police protection for months since she renounced Islam.

This portrait of the courageous Ayaan Hirsi Ali, by BBC correspondent Geraldine Coughlan, contains an interesting aside.

"Tolerance was a key issue for the Netherlands in 2002.

The murdered populist politician Pim Fortuyn, who was killed nine days before elections in May, also called Islam a backward religion.

He did not want to tolerate immigrants. His self-confessed assassin, an animal rights activist, could not stand his intolerance. "

I see. The BBC are telling us that
a) Pim Fortuyn could not tolerate immigrants
b) this fact drove the assassin to kill him.

In order to protect tolerance we had to destroy it.

Yet according to BBC News Fortuyn wished to halt immigration, and for those immigrants already in Holland to integrate more closely into Dutch society. This falls far short of 'not tolerating' those immigrants already in Holland. A racist would have preferred them to remain separate and unintegrated.

This last little paragraph starts with a lie, and seems to imply that you can fight intolerance by shooting people, while in no way impairing your own tolerance.

Worrying when in the UK, there are deep differences over this new definition of 'tolerance'. Some Government advisers want BNP voters to be 'duffed up in the streets'. Whereas comedians on the BBC think they should be shot.

David Hinchcliffe MP - An Appreciation

I've already blogged here about smacking, and have no desire to repeat myself. But on the way home I listened to a report from Parliament which raised my blood pressure beyond what a doctor would consider healthy. I need some typing exercise to lower it.

The MP for Wakefield, David Hinchcliffe, who used by strange chance to be a social worker, made a speech equating smacking children with child abuse, and implied that the lamentable deaths which for the last thirty years have been the subject of enquiries (most of which by strange chance have heavily criticised social workers) would have been prevented if parents who smacked their children had been criminalised.

I'm not sure if I've got words to describe Hinchcliffe, but let me try and paint for you a picture of this vile, detestable apology for a human being, this stinking, festering, pullulating dungheap, this helminthic horror pulled slobbering from the most crooked, rotten, maggot-infested bathroom cabinet in Hell's puke-splashed, faeces-freckled, sputum-spattered lavatory. No giant tube-worm feeds as low in the deepest slough of ocean as this blistered, swelling, pendant boil on the flabby, pendulous buttocks of the Parliamentary Labour Party, this sagging sac of infectious slime, this pus-filled pantaloon, this vial of virulent venom vomited vertically from a vampire's varicocele.

That will suffice for now. I'll add more later, but my daughter awaits her bedtime story. Having finished the Brothers Grimm, we're onto Hans Christian Andersen - and Kay has been taken by the Snow Queen, leaving poor Gerda behind. Can't wait to find out what happens next.



UPDATE - "... this gruesome gargoyle gaping gormlessly from the Gurdwara of Ghastliness, this crapulent corbel on the Cathedral of Cretinism, this seething sore stickily suppurating on the Stone Circle of Stupidity, this moronic, mindless minaret on the Mosque of Madness etc etc ..."

Spammers For Kerry

Is this a first ? One of my email addresses is out there on spam lists, and I automatically trash anything sent to it - it isn't ever used for mailing.

Clearing the deleted box this a.m. I spotted this among the Xanax, cheap loans, Cialis and fake Rolexes :

When politicians do not do a good job the only power we have is our vote

Use yours!

If Kerry doesnt do better we will vote him out in four years.

If you have never voted before vote this year.

We the people can change things.

More links ..

Another interesting Brit politics blog (new blogger Andrew at Non-Trivial Solutions is still posting good stuff), the wonderfully named Blimpish. Recommended. And to go with the Policeman, the Paramedic (aka 'Ambulance Man'), whose blog is a useful antidote to anyone who writes 'in a civilised society ...'

You will hear of it in Ingilterra and be sad ...

To a good liberal, or anyone educated in England over the last 30 years, all the troubles of Africa are the result of the evil colonialists, who exploited Africa for hundreds of years - then suddenly, in the 20 years between 1945 and 1965 - stopped exploiting it and left (or 'replaced colonialism with corrupt elites, bribed by the multinationals etc etc').

If only we hadn't put our Imperialist hands on Africa - how different things would be ! And thank God we listened to reason and got out !

Take the Sudan, for example. From Hilary Hook's book 'Home from the Hill', a Sudanese chief explains his problem with the British. This conversation took place in 1950. How many dead since then in the South ? A million ? Two ?

On my last day the bash shawish asked to see me. I gave him a chair in the office and called for tea - he refused a cigarette and sat very up right staring ahead. I waited, and finally he spoke; 'Mabruk ya, sath el bey - Congratulations, your excellency the Bey,' he said, with the ghost of a smile. 'So you are leaving us.' I nodded. 'Inshallah, wa lakin ana hazeen giddan - If God wills, but I am sorry to be doing so,' I replied. He remained silent for a long time and the smile left his face, then he spoke again. 'There is talk that all "El Ingliz" will one day leave us.' 'Yes, there is talk - one day you will govern yourselves, it is right that this should happen.' He shook his head. 'We will not govern ourselves, we will be governed by Northerners from Khartoum. They do not understand us or like us.' 'That is not true,' I said. 'What of our Northern Sudanese officers here in the Equatorial Corps. What of Bimbashi Zein? What of Bimbashi Khalil? What of Sagh Talat? They are every bit as fit to govern or command as we Ingliz and more so, as they are also Sudanese.' 'That is true.' he replied, 'they are officers of the Sudan Defence Force. You Ingliz trained them, but there are many whose hearts are not so good, they call us "abid" (slaves) and despise our nakedness and our customs.' 'Do you not want to rule yourselves?' I asked. 'Yes, one day, but the time is not yet, the young men you have educated are conceited and dishonest and the old chiefs think only of their tribes. They are no match for the Northerners. The time is not yet - my father told me terrible things that happened before the Ingliz came.' 'We are soldiers not politicians,' I said. 'We must obey the orders we receive.' 'I know that, Janabuk, but I tell you this. On the day that the Ingliz leave us there will be bloodshed and more bloodshed. You will hear of it in Ingilterra and be sad, they will never govern us from Khartoum - never.' He rose, saluted and left, and next day as I flew North over the green maze of the Nile Sudd I brooded sadly on his words 'bloodshed and more bloodshed'. The old man was seldom wrong.

Twelve years later, in the early 1960s, I met him secretly in a hut on the Congo, border. His son had been killed and he was a sad broken old man with a terrible tale to tell. He bore no grudge except against his soldiers who had joined the revolt, but over and over again he said, 'I told you, Sath el Bey, I told you.'



And when the 'Ingliz' weren't there ? Darfur is only the latest episode. The South of Sudan has been a source of slaves and cattle for the North for hundreds of years.

The chief brought us native beer in dirty calabashes, we gave him a mug of rum and sat under a council tree outside the village. The talk ranged through the usual topics, rain, cattle, raids, crops and recruits for the buluk. 'I would like you to take my grandson,' said the old man. 'He is tall and strong, and should carry a rifle. He must serve the Government as I have done all my life.' 'You must be a great age,' said Denis jokingly and then added, 'perhaps you knew Gordon Pasha?' The chief considered this for a moment and then said gravely. 'No, but my father often spoke of him, he worked under "Gordoon" Pasha when he was Governor here in the south. "Gordoon" Pasha was a God, he destroyed the slave traders. My father said that "Gordoon" Pasha's eyes were like spears - no man dared tell him a lie. He was here many years, then he left us and the slavers came again but worse than before. They slew the great "Gordoon" Pasha in Khartoum and the Turks were driven from the Sudan.

Then terrible years came - we lived in fear. One day from over those hills raiders came: they were not Arabs but black men like ourselves and spoke a strange language - they had guns. Before we could defend ourselves they rushed upon the village and started killing, it was a terrible day. Some escaped to the swamp, but the young men and women were herded like cattle and driven between guns towards the river. It was a long march and many died. When he reached the river we waited a long time until armed Arabs came in steam boats to take us for sale in Omdurman.' The chief paused in thought and stared ahead. I refilled his mug with rum. 'Go on with your story, old man,' said Denis gently, 'we want to know how you are alive to tell us.' 'I was only a "wallad" then, not old enough to be a warrior. The boats were small and we suffered greatly. The dead and the sick were thrown to the crocodiles. One day we came round a bend in the river and saw a big boat with a strange flag. It had a big gun which fired at us. Our Arab guards fired back but many were killed and jumped into the river and swam. Then we heard that Kitchener Pasha had defeated the Kalifa in a great battle at Omdurman and we were free. My mother and young brother had died in the boats, but I met my father again a year later; he had escaped to the swamp taking my sister with him. They lived and my father became chief of Lafone.'

Those were the days, eh ?

Guess Who's Back, Back, Back

Well well. I thought he was dead.

He seems to think he's losing the WOT. In 2001 he was talking about the return of Al-Andalus (Spain to you and I) to the Islamic world. Now the message is 'don't touch us and we won't touch you'. Unless, as is possible, he feels that a reconquista of Spain is well under way. He may have a point at that, given their election result. US troops have left the holy sand of Saudi Arabia, fulfilling another demand. Maybe the war is closer than I thought.

UPDATE - I enjoyed an anonymous poster's comments on the Belmont Club blog. Apparently the complete transcript of OBL's video contains the following :


"The infidel George Bush is outsourcing America’s future with tax cuts to the wealthy. Where are the 1.6 million jobs? The infidel Bush is the first infidel since the infidel Herbert Hoover to lose jobs! Awake from your slumber, America! The infidel John Kerry has a plan. You can do better, Insha’Allah!”

“Let me tell you, I spoke to the infidel Christopher Reeve a week ago, and if the infidel John Kerry is elected President, Insha’Allah, the infidel Christopher Reeve will walk again!”

“Are you infidels aware that the infidel John Kerry killed infidels in a war of imperialist infidel aggression in Southeast Asia?”

“The infidel Mary Cheney is a lesbian.”

“Let me tell you, I spoke to the infidel Teresa. By Allah, did you not know that Laura Bush never had a real job!”

BBC Bias Part 458

Just a couple of little snippets from Radio 4 this morning. From a trailer (7.57 am) for Sunday's 'Broadcasting House' - 'We bring you a portrait of Yasser Arafat - freedom-fighter, diplomat ...' - 'terrorist' seems to have dropped out of the BBC dictionary.

And from R4s eight o'clock bulletin 'Neil Kinnock, who has lost none of his passion to improve the world ...' - I'll try and recall when I last heard them use such language - in a news bulletin - about a Tory.

They don't even know they're doing it. It's 'unconscious and unwitting', to coin a phrase.

Radical Dads Storm Extremist Conference

Fathers 4 Justice today disrupted the conference on 'Contact Today - The Challenge of Parental Separation', held in the isolated compound of the feared National Council For Voluntary Organisations in the notorious neo-Feminazi enclave of Islington.

Among the speakers - the leader of the movement to separate children from their fathers - and the woman who released the Bulger killers - Dame Elizabeth Butler Sloss.

Fortunately this blog had a social-worker spy inside the conference. When I spoke to her she had had a few gins and could hardly stand up. But the truth of what she was saying shone from her eyes.

"We were well into Dame Elizabeth's big speech. We'd started with a Ten Minute Hate, with pictures of men projected on a wall for us to boo and shout at - George Bush got the most boos ! then at last ... the lights went down and Aretha Franklin's 'Respect' hit the sound system, smoke machines started up - we all started chanting 'LIZ-ZIE ! LIZ-ZIE !'. Then she came in - it was unbelievable. Lord Filkin, Lord Justice Wall, Anthony Douglas and John Baker came in crawling on their hands and knees. Dame Elizabeth sat on their backs, wearing a tiara and waving a wand - we just went beserk as they carried her to the podium and hundreds of pink ribbons came down from the ceiling. Awesome.

When the applause died down she began. Her theme was that men were basically all the same, they were only after one thing, and that none of them could be trusted - not one. We'd heard it all before - at University, on our Social Work training, in the Guardian, on Woman Sour. Yet when she spoke it was as if we were hearing it for the first time. People were whooping and crying - the girl in front of me wet herself. When I say girl - I think she was quite old, judging by the dungarees and Doc Martens, although blue is a really good colour for covering grey hair.

Suddenly there were bangs and shouting from outside. People came running in saying there was a fire-bomb attack on the front entrance. The alarms started to go off, and we looked for the rear exit to escape, but Dame Elizabeth didn't want us to leave. 'Stand and Fight !' she cried, 'Is this what Emily Davison brought off the biggest betting coup of 1913 for ?', but the security guards were quite insistent and we had to leave. As we were queuing to get out, we could see out of the side windows a man jump - naked ! - into the canal and climb out - right by the windows ! He was shouting something but we couldn't hear what. Dame Elizabeth went for him, banging on the windows and shouting. As we filed out I could hear her screaming 'I'll cut it off ! I'll cut it off!'


UPDATE - the traumatic events appear to have had a sequel.

I'm impressed

Spot the money quote in this piece. Jonny Billericay is the Bad News Hughes of Norfolk.

Hat-tip - Squander Two.

PS - only a few moments to the big fight ! In the blue corner, undisputed heavyweight champ Michael 'Stupid White Man' Moore ! And in the red, from London, UK - the plucky challenger - big it up for Richard 'The Bigoted Homophobe' Liiittlejohhhnnnnn !

'Question Time' starts on BBC1 shortly. Video on, fire burning, red wine breathing - come on !

BBC One: Thursday, 28 Oct 2004 at 22:45 BST
BBC World: Saturday 30 October at 0810, 1410, 2110 GMT; Sunday 31 Oct at 1810 GMT

UPDATE - not as exciting as hoped - panellists Frum and Blumenthal are clever chaps with a huge knowledge of US politics - our hero realised this and intervened only rarely. I gave up after 20 minutes and went upstairs to download the entire Carmina Burana in MIDI - won't my son be surprised next time his mobile rings ?

If it turned into a rough-house later someone tell me - I've still got the video.

Too late, mate

Another Guardianista invokes the ghost of Mary Whitehouse.

"We have to recapture the language of individual restraint and decency. We need to recall that the power of disapproval, and shame, can be stronger than the power of the state."

She's been here before, along with Yasmin and Madeleine, even Humphrys.

Sorry Jackie. Shame died somewhere around 1985. You - and me - and your comrades helped kill it. I'm pretty sure we held a rave on the grave. And as long as you're unable to see the connection between this fact and headlines like this, it'll stay dead.

Not As Mad As Usual

A rather tedious AL Kennedy piece in today's Guardian. Usual insane premise ("Brits love torture" - bondage maybe), lots of lies, the usual themes ("Our dawn raids and detentions are so quiet, so nicely contained within the Muslim community. The civilians we are bombing and irradiating as you read this are so far away"), but it's rather dull. There's not the barely-suppressed hysteria, the feeling that her head's about to explode, which makes AL such a riveting read.

It's probably a good thing. Reading AL Kennedy's Guardian output is a little like watching the Stooges during Iggy's most wasted period, or more recently Shane MacGowan or Pete Doherty - the edge is the feeling that you're watching someone falling to bits right in front of you. This is a prime example. Hide the kitchen knives, someone !

Those who want more full-blown madness can visit the virtual shrine. But don't go here. Told you.

UPDATE - Scott Burgess points out a few inaccuracies in her work. I've long given up on that. Good link to this US fan ("If Bush gets into the White House again, I’m not sure I can stay here.") interview though.

Zimbabwe Vigil

When you're in town on a Saturday don't forget to check these good people out and spend some time on the line. "Let's All Go Down the Strand ... ".

The Vigil, outside the Zimbabwe Embassy, London, will take place every Saturday from 12.00 to 18.00 to protest against gross violations of human rights by the current regime in Zimbabwe. The Vigil will continue until internationally-monitored, free and fair elections are held in Zimbabwe.

BBC Bias Part 391

I'd almost forgotten this little gem - the Today Programme 'debate' (RealAudio) last week between Colleen Graffy of Republicans Abroad and Tony Benn.

The subject - the Guardian's Operation Clark County. The question from John Humphrys - 'was it a good idea ?'.

Graffy opened - discussing the backlash, the dangers inherent in one country trying to interfere with another's politics, that interference by the US in a British election would not be popular, mentioning the bad press John Major got for helping Clinton's opponents, and concluding that while in principle she disapproved, in practice it had probably been a Republican windfall.

'Tony Benn ?'

'My wife was from Cincinatti, Ohio, retained her citizenship, lived in London for fifty-one years, she campaigned with me in all my election campaigns, she was president of the Socialist Education Association and campaigned for comprehensive education - and when we're talking about Americans not telling us to do, what about Rupert Murdoch .... ?'

We were off. Occasionally Professor Graffy got a word in. Benn laughed over her as she spoke and compounded his bad manners by patronising her as 'my dear'.

"740 military bases in 130 countries ... bombed 9 countries ... the United States under Bush is a rogue state, that is the reality of the matter ... Vietnam ... Cuba ... tried to kill Ghadaffi ... "no obliteration without representation" ... after 9/11 the world was overflowing with sympathy (see this blog for the way the Guardian overflowed) ... now you are feared .. tear up UN charter .. hostages you kidnapped ... Guantanamo Bay the symbol of America .. be very very careful - be very careful"

Humphrys : "I'm afraid Tony Benn gets the last word - I didn't have to do much work in that interview, did I ? (laughs)'

That depends on whether you wanted your question answered, or whether you wanted an anti-US rant. I think we know what John Humphrys, usually so swift to pick up a politician who strays from the point, wanted.

A Few More Links ...

I'll leave the late John Peel to Nottingham politics student blog Attempting Escape. I remember so well .. not Mr Peel, but studying politics. And Nottingham indeed - a dread pub called (I think) the Albany in the Hyson Green area, accompanied by a delightful social worker friend. Autre temps, autre moeurs.
Sounds like things ain't changed too much in the groves of academe these thirty years - but at least Jules has the Interweb-thingy as intellectual comfort-blanket. "You're not alone".

A link to the Cerebrate's Contemplations (website presumably hosted from home, as it's up and down like a navvy's pick). This man I do not understand. He's intelligent, gainfully employed, a techy to his bones (a nerd pays homage), and lives in one of the most beautiful parts of England, the northern hill country of County Durham. What does he need Prozac for ?

And a link to Tulip-Maria, who's apparently linked to me from her pink'n'fluffy blog for nearly a year. She seems to have a job either in journalism, broadcast media or PR - we would appear to have little in common. But those relationships can be the best - and if the women in her neck of the woods have all ticked box 106 it could make a trip to the library more interesting ...

Sheer Towering Genius ...

Like the final flourish of a firework display, Peter Briffa signs off for a while with the complete Guardian/Indie guide to the US elections. Read The Whole Thing.

Clark County - New Guardian Outrage

A Laban Tall exclusive.


"My fellow, shortly to become ex-Americans ..."

The result of the US election will affect the lives of millions around the world but those of us outside the 50 states have had no say in it - until recently. In a unique experiment, G2 assembled a democratic toolkit to enable people from Brighton to Bloomsbury to campaign in Clark County, Ohio, by writing to their voters, urging them to support John F. Kerry.
But then came the right-wing backlash. We intended to open up debate by carefully mailing thousands of US voters - a hand across the ocean from the concerned Left. Those same thousands of US voters then attempted to close down debate by blatantly emailing our staff - the intimidatory tactics of the angry Right. It was the Dixie Chicks all over again.

With hindsight it can be seen that our tactics were naive and perhaps counterproductive. We underestimated the stupidity of the voters of Clark County, assuming them to be good, liberal people who would agree with us, rather than evil, bigoted rednecks.

We must not make the same mistake twice. And that is why today we announce a new Clark County strategy, developed from an idea by top political strategist Charlie Brooker, which we believe can tip the delicate balance in the presidential race. By killing a thousand Bush voters in Clark County, Ohio, you might help decide who takes up residence in the White House next month. Oliver Burkeman explains how

Tuesday, October 26, 2004
The Guardian

The plan is simple. We have received over a thousand letters from Clark County voters criticising the Guardian's "arrogant and self-aggrandising" campaign. It is likely that all of these people will now be voting for George W. Bush - even some who would otherwise have voted Kerry. We know the addresses of all of them, and have assembled a 'Coalition of the Willing' to help us - all we need are a thousand volunteers.

To join in, visit www.guardian.co.uk/clarkcounty_armageddon and enter your email address. You'll receive, by email, a code and date for a flight from Stansted to Knock Airport, Ireland. Your American adventure starts here !

Day One - on giving the code to Stansted reception your tickets will be handed over.

This day is generously supported by megaflites.com, long-haul flights to over 100 worldwide destinations from only £10, and who recently sponsored the Guardian's 257-page 'The Earth Is Dying From A Combination of Carbon Dioxide Emissions and Tree-Felling' supplement, with additional support from Toyama Global Motors Inc, whose annoying pop-up advert you can see top left.

Day One/Two - at Knock you will be met by our representatives and taken by coach to the beautiful and isolated beaches of Dingle, County Kerry, for your handgun training and two nights B&B (state whether vegetarian or vegan). Evening entertainment will be provided by musician Christy Moore and speakers will include Clare Short and radical barrister Gareth Peirce. Your stay is generously sponsored by the Thirty-Two County Sovereignty Committee.

Day Three - coach again to Knock for your flight to Chicago, home of legendary gangsters Al Capone and MacDonalds. Free in-flight pack includes exclusive Steve Bell colouring book and Guardian crayon set. Internal transfer to Columbus, Ohio, where you will be met by your designated Democratic Underground representative and given your 'target voters' - and when we say target that's just what they will be ! You will stay with a radical activist volunteer in a typical American home setting (bring some king-sized Rizlas). Sponsored by megaflites.com (Bali return from £17.99 if you fly Tuesday).

Day Four - excitement mounts as you go to the local bank, open an account, and without any references are given a powerful handgun and ammunition. Thrill as Michael Moore's 'Bowling For Columbine' really comes alive ! In the event of the bank being closed, handguns are given away at most gas stations if you purchase a full tank of looted Iraqi petrol (about £6.50p).

Your volunteer will drive you to the target location, where you will find that shooting dead everyone in the house over 18 is 'a cathartic, self-empowering experience that will enable you to live more fully', in the words of radical 60s activist Charles Manson. But for every volunteer the experience will be different. As a personal development opportunity alone this is not to be missed - and neither are the 'target voters' !
In the evening - the adrenaline will still be pumping, so it's party time ! Get loose, unwind and reflect on your contribution to global justice and peace to the accompaniment of the latest dance-floor fillers. You'll discover just how much you have gained in confidence and assertiveness over the four days, and others will notice it too - tonight is a night for making new friends. Sponsored by Berkeley Department of English.

Day Five - Flight home to Stansted via Chicago - and here a new opportunity opens for ten fortunate volunteers, who will be chosen by lottery to fly onto the Jordanian capital Amman, where, after a sight-seeing visit to the 'Rose-Red City' of Petra, a convoy of vehicles will take you across the Iraqi border to liberated Fallujah. Your stay of (approximately) 10 days at the Al-Zarquawi Hotel will include the opportunity to make a number of video broadcasts against US and British policy in the region. You will be permitted - nay, encouraged - to fiercely criticise President Bush and Prime Minister Blair. We can guarantee that these broadcasts will receive global coverage on all networks including the BBC. Your visit will close with a final internet broadcast which literally millions will download. Generously sponsored by Al-Jazeera and the Stop the War Coalition. Terms and conditions apply.

(Note - under the terms of the 1977 Race Relations Act, only those of Native British heritage are eligible for the Fallujah prize. Practising Muslims are also excluded.)

Another Human Rights Victory

Don't demonise this guy.

"A principle-free alliance of leftist posturing and Islamist reaction fronted by a charismatic egomaniac"

I don't think Paul Anderson's description of the Respect Coalition can possibly be bettered.