Clark County - New Guardian Outrage

A Laban Tall exclusive.


"My fellow, shortly to become ex-Americans ..."

The result of the US election will affect the lives of millions around the world but those of us outside the 50 states have had no say in it - until recently. In a unique experiment, G2 assembled a democratic toolkit to enable people from Brighton to Bloomsbury to campaign in Clark County, Ohio, by writing to their voters, urging them to support John F. Kerry.
But then came the right-wing backlash. We intended to open up debate by carefully mailing thousands of US voters - a hand across the ocean from the concerned Left. Those same thousands of US voters then attempted to close down debate by blatantly emailing our staff - the intimidatory tactics of the angry Right. It was the Dixie Chicks all over again.

With hindsight it can be seen that our tactics were naive and perhaps counterproductive. We underestimated the stupidity of the voters of Clark County, assuming them to be good, liberal people who would agree with us, rather than evil, bigoted rednecks.

We must not make the same mistake twice. And that is why today we announce a new Clark County strategy, developed from an idea by top political strategist Charlie Brooker, which we believe can tip the delicate balance in the presidential race. By killing a thousand Bush voters in Clark County, Ohio, you might help decide who takes up residence in the White House next month. Oliver Burkeman explains how

Tuesday, October 26, 2004
The Guardian

The plan is simple. We have received over a thousand letters from Clark County voters criticising the Guardian's "arrogant and self-aggrandising" campaign. It is likely that all of these people will now be voting for George W. Bush - even some who would otherwise have voted Kerry. We know the addresses of all of them, and have assembled a 'Coalition of the Willing' to help us - all we need are a thousand volunteers.

To join in, visit www.guardian.co.uk/clarkcounty_armageddon and enter your email address. You'll receive, by email, a code and date for a flight from Stansted to Knock Airport, Ireland. Your American adventure starts here !

Day One - on giving the code to Stansted reception your tickets will be handed over.

This day is generously supported by megaflites.com, long-haul flights to over 100 worldwide destinations from only £10, and who recently sponsored the Guardian's 257-page 'The Earth Is Dying From A Combination of Carbon Dioxide Emissions and Tree-Felling' supplement, with additional support from Toyama Global Motors Inc, whose annoying pop-up advert you can see top left.

Day One/Two - at Knock you will be met by our representatives and taken by coach to the beautiful and isolated beaches of Dingle, County Kerry, for your handgun training and two nights B&B (state whether vegetarian or vegan). Evening entertainment will be provided by musician Christy Moore and speakers will include Clare Short and radical barrister Gareth Peirce. Your stay is generously sponsored by the Thirty-Two County Sovereignty Committee.

Day Three - coach again to Knock for your flight to Chicago, home of legendary gangsters Al Capone and MacDonalds. Free in-flight pack includes exclusive Steve Bell colouring book and Guardian crayon set. Internal transfer to Columbus, Ohio, where you will be met by your designated Democratic Underground representative and given your 'target voters' - and when we say target that's just what they will be ! You will stay with a radical activist volunteer in a typical American home setting (bring some king-sized Rizlas). Sponsored by megaflites.com (Bali return from £17.99 if you fly Tuesday).

Day Four - excitement mounts as you go to the local bank, open an account, and without any references are given a powerful handgun and ammunition. Thrill as Michael Moore's 'Bowling For Columbine' really comes alive ! In the event of the bank being closed, handguns are given away at most gas stations if you purchase a full tank of looted Iraqi petrol (about £6.50p).

Your volunteer will drive you to the target location, where you will find that shooting dead everyone in the house over 18 is 'a cathartic, self-empowering experience that will enable you to live more fully', in the words of radical 60s activist Charles Manson. But for every volunteer the experience will be different. As a personal development opportunity alone this is not to be missed - and neither are the 'target voters' !
In the evening - the adrenaline will still be pumping, so it's party time ! Get loose, unwind and reflect on your contribution to global justice and peace to the accompaniment of the latest dance-floor fillers. You'll discover just how much you have gained in confidence and assertiveness over the four days, and others will notice it too - tonight is a night for making new friends. Sponsored by Berkeley Department of English.

Day Five - Flight home to Stansted via Chicago - and here a new opportunity opens for ten fortunate volunteers, who will be chosen by lottery to fly onto the Jordanian capital Amman, where, after a sight-seeing visit to the 'Rose-Red City' of Petra, a convoy of vehicles will take you across the Iraqi border to liberated Fallujah. Your stay of (approximately) 10 days at the Al-Zarquawi Hotel will include the opportunity to make a number of video broadcasts against US and British policy in the region. You will be permitted - nay, encouraged - to fiercely criticise President Bush and Prime Minister Blair. We can guarantee that these broadcasts will receive global coverage on all networks including the BBC. Your visit will close with a final internet broadcast which literally millions will download. Generously sponsored by Al-Jazeera and the Stop the War Coalition. Terms and conditions apply.

(Note - under the terms of the 1977 Race Relations Act, only those of Native British heritage are eligible for the Fallujah prize. Practising Muslims are also excluded.)