The $800 billion US and $450 billion British bailouts have proved highly effective pilot projects, and in some cases have seen share prices fall less quickly or even on occasions rise.
However, as was always made plain, these were only trials of the technique. Following today's largest one-day Dow fall since 1987, and continuing weakness in London, it has been decided that the pilot phase is over, and that some real money is necessary.
A task force consisting of the most highly regarded tax lawyers have for several days examined the options for moving us forward, and there are three :
a) a massive reduction in government spending. Ridiculous. Only a strong state can protect the vulnerable at this critical time. And don't you feel just a little bit vulnerable ? Of course you do. You need to be protected, don't you ? And told what to do. Spending cuts would plunge the world into depression and a new Dark Age.
b) a massive increase in taxes. Not so ridiculous, but may impact upon the wealth creators who more than ever are vital to the economy. Could plunge the world into depression and a new Dark Age. Nonetheless, some taxes will rise. Value Added Tax will rise on November 1st by the value of the rate of inflation (measured by the new Energy Price Index - currently at 24%).
c) a further substantial increase in liquidity - the so-called "Mugabe Miracle" option in its Weimar variant. Would wipe out all debts in very short time and massively enrich "us"* all. While this option successfully restarted the German economy in the late 1920s, some worry that it led to the persecution of minorities. We have examined the British and American situations and are firmly convinced that persecution, if anything is likely this time to be the other way round. The only serious risk is of a shortage of wheelbarrows. It is this third option that has been decided upon as our - as your - best way forward in the continuing financial uncertainty.
You need do nothing at this moment. Stay indoors and listen to the radio. We thank you for your patience. Your vote is important to us. You are being held in a queue. Your call may be recorded - as may your email, browsing habits and text messages.
pp Ug, the Giant Lizard, Secret Ruler of the World
* ("us" i.e. not you)
It's Heathrow, but not Gatwick
12 hours ago