Oh - the pain ...

If the BBC and Guardian are to be believed, one in seven of us suffer excruciating pain which isn't caused by listening to the Today programme.

I think they're right. On my day off today I walked up the lane, and could hardly hear the birds for the moans and screams of the villagers. As the wild geese flew overhead, I noticed that quite a number of them were honking in a particularly agonised manner.

And in the towns the cries of pain are so piercing that sensitive young men are forced to drive with their stereos on full at all times.

Some of the more socially conscious youths even open their windows so that passers-by can get some relief by hearing the latest from the Paedophile Crew or new rapper Fukubich, whose 'roasting' style is all the rage among wealthy young Londoners.